To Know Emotion
by TheSoundofMusic
Summary: A short story of reflection, loss, and acknowledgement of what it truly means to feel something.


_The machines don't have feelings. You said it yourself._

He regretted it in hindsight, that phrase.

_The machines don't have feelings._

Regardless of how true or false it was, after he'd said it 9S quickly realized it would become the line that 2B used to keep her distance from him.

She never said it aloud; for that alone he was grateful. The thought of her pushing him away, even slightly, was more painful than anything.

Still, those five words would be his undoing.

* * *

It had started with maintenance.

He'd called out to her for what seemed like minutes when she finally replied to him, a small smile on her face.

"There's something calming about your voice," she told him, her eyes still closed as he glanced down at her.

Caught off guard, 9S felt a sudden rush in his chest as his pulse quickened. Just as he put a hand to his heart, questioning the feeling, it was gone.

He wondered only for a moment before moving on.

* * *

"I mean, if you want to call me Nines it's totally okay."

He waited with baited breath, trying to ignore the machines hovering nearby as they rose and fell with the roller coaster track.

She hesitated for a moment, the pause lingering between them as they battled on.

"I'm good."

Something dropped in the pit of his stomach, and quickly 9S turned his focus to the machines again.

"Oh. Um...alright."

For a moment 9S wondered if she disliked him before writing it off as merely part of her stern personality. 2B was nothing if not true to Command and the rules. Her efficiency in battle and reports was another consideration.

Yes-that was it. Using the name Nines was just for fun, nothing really essential to the mission.

All the same…

He wanted to hear it.

It was something...a feeling?

But a feeling of what?

* * *

She said his name twice.

Only twice.

The first time had been quick, almost like an accident. Clumsily she'd stumbled through the name, pretending she'd never even said it at all.

He asked her to say it again but found himself disappointed when she continued to call him 9S as usual.

9S thought it would just be a matter of time after that.

She'd said it once-surely she would say it again.

And he was right, much to his horror.

When her piercing eyes looked at him for the last time, she finally said the word he had desperately wanted to hear.

"Oh.._Nines_…."

Her voice, weaker than he'd ever heard it, finally said the desired word.

As her broken and bloodied corpse fell, that was the only thing he could register.

"Oh no...2B...no…"

Grasping at his head, 9S felt it truly for the first time.

No longer just a flutter, the feeling surged only to be replaced by an overwhelming hatred for the android before him.

Blinded with rage and screaming, 9S fell into the pit below him with only one thing left.

_Hatred._

But that wasn't what he wanted.

He just wanted 2B.

* * *

When he opened his eyes again, she was there.

He examined the curve of her lips, noting the small mole on her chin before he felt a gut wrenching pain.

Amidst the wreckage of the tower and his own lost arm, 9S finally took a moment to understand just what it was that drove him in his now unrelenting pursuit of the truth.

Slowly, carefully, he reached out to caress her cheek.

It didn't matter that this was just a model, an empty shell.

2B…._2B…_.

He mourned.

He grieved.

And as he pulled her hand up to his cheek, he finally broke.

Quiet sobs wracking his body, 9S closed his eyes.

_This feeling was never hate._

_Even when he knew what she was, and what he was._

_Trapped in their never ending cycle of hurting each other, it could only be one thing; love._

_Yes, that was it._

_That was the answer he sought, the feeling he fought for under the hatred and pain._

_Love._

_At least, that's what he thought it was._

And just like that, he cut it off.

He had one mission left, with no room for feeling.

_The machines don't have feelings._

He knew now what she'd really been trying to tell him when she repeated that phrase back to him.

It wasn't that they didn't have feelings; rather, that they couldn't.

How could they, when it was his fate to die at her hands?

* * *

"2B hated to keep killing you".

He didn't need her to tell him that.

"It caused her so much pain."

A2 paused, before looking directly at the android before her.

"But you knew that...Right, 9S?"

He knew.

He had always known, but had persevered in their relationship either way.

_Who was A2 to stand before him and talk about 2B's feelings?_

"Shut up...Shut up! What do you know? You don't know anything at all about us!"

Pain. Hatred. Anger.

_Love._

It consumed him, burned and writhed from within where he could never rip it out and forget about it.

Why did he tell her that the machines had no feelings?

Why didn't he tell her about the feelings he had for her?

Why did it always end with someone left alone in pain?

* * *

He coughed more blood, the last of his strength and intelligence fading.

As his existence began to slowly disappear, 9S regretted it once more.

_I should have told her._

_I should have saved her._

And then he decided, in those final moments.

_2B…_

_If we ever meet again, I promise this time I'll tell you the truth._

_The machines have feelings._

_We have feelings._

_I...have feelings._

_**I'm not quite sure what it means to mourn, or even if we have a soul to concern ourselves with… But I hope you're at rest 2B. Sweet dreams. I'll be with you before long.**_


End file.
